Local Latin Student Thinks He’s Cato

Lower Augsburg—At the recent presidential forum, various resident senators and club representatives were stirred into a patriotic zeal by the moving speech of a student calling himself Cato. This led to confronting the president with various concerns regarding his ultimate plan for our defeating the ancient football rival as well as besieging and decimating the Kenosha campus and plowing its soil with salt.
Various friends who claim to have known Cato in his former days as Johnus McGovernus (Latin minor extraordinaire) have indicated that the seed of this powerful movement was first sired when said student ceased attending his Latin III class. “Well, he stopped going to class. And then he had this big midterm. So, he crammed like crazy,” states an anonymous friend.
After four consecutive days without food or sleep nor respite from the Latin language, Johnus emerged from his room triumphantly babbling in Latin. After several days, he was able to relearn English, though he continued insisting that he was Carthage would have to fall; this seems to have caused his appearance at the forum, as well as the accumulation of a vast following.
Cato passed the Latin III midterm with a C+, and now devotes most of his time to encouraging the demise of the southern campus. Carthage campus is a liberal arts education, providing a broad range of majors as well as significant financial aid. Cartago Delenda Est! (David Reher)