Heartless Holly

i lie here watching the steady phu-thump-thud of my stomach as an instrument within my being strikes the constant tempo of life. occasionally there is reason for accelerando or for a slow beat but for the most part it is phu-thump-thud. i'm known as happy holly, hilarious holly, heartfelt holly. no one would believe you if you told them the truth, that this happy hippy hilarious holly is actually a heartless holly. the machine keeping her numb existence running smoothly, phu-thump-thud, is just that, a cold metal object with no feelings and no regrets. is that good. why shouldn't it be? sure, there are times when heartless holly longs for a heart but she cannot wish for it from the bottom of her heart so soon her thoughts drift to other ideas. Yes, occasionally there is a catching in the technology of life and a virus allows emotion to ooze in, but an army of subconscious doctors immediately solve the problem and holly is restored to herself, unharmed. what would she be like if she had a heart? different. is that all you can think to answer with? just different? well, what else would she be, hmmmm?
it's not like i would know what i'd be like if i had a heart, if i knew what it was like to be bothered by something for more than a few moments. i do not know. how could i? it's not like i'm unhappy. i would have to have something to compare unhappiness with in order to know and i've always been told that i'm a happy person. why should i argue with them since they seem to know what they are saying and i surely know that i don't.
so, holly, you are just a shallow sub human who mindlessly becomes what people expect? is that what you are?

yes, i am.

well, i guess that makes sense and now everything is okay, right, no more turmoil within the mind searching for the heart. there is no heart so don't bother searching. i'm glad that's been resolved. so this steady phu-thump-thud will remind me, holly, you, that i am not much like others, unless they are like me. if they are i don't feel sorry for them because they don't feel sorry for themselves. to exist is nice enough and there are times when it is comforting to not be in upheaval because of the wild pangs of a shattered heart. yet...
i still. wish i was capable of emotion - to know that i really was and am and possibly will be, human; able to love. just like you, how i am seen, me and myself. happiness is not balanced with reality, and sadness is not true joy, but just a shallow replica of life. (Hannah P.)